Mental Cobwebs

Kids say the darndest things, right? Bill Cosby wasn't wrong about that. Who knows where they pulled them from, or if they just made them up by themselves. Either way, if you're also a parent you probably find their crazy sayings charming and adorable. If you're not a parent they're probably so charming and adorable that it makes you want to vomit. Or maybe everyone except the actual parents of the kid who is saying the adorable things feels that way; I'm not sure.

Whatever the case may be, I thought I'd try to catalog some of the crazy things Emerson says so that I could look back at them and laugh. Here's the first, containing one from last night and a bunch that I posted on Tumblr and I want to transfer somewhere else before I forget that Tumblr exists like I pretty much already have.

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Last night as we laid watching Thomas in bed, Em turned to me and gave me a hug, then turned back to the show. This isn't uncommon when we're snuggling, but this time I heard: "Best hug ever."

Me: "What?"
Emmy: "Best hug ever."
Me: "Oh. Good."
Emmy: *turns and gives me a kiss* "Best kiss ever."
Me: "That was the best kiss ever?"
Emmy: "Yeah." *gives me another hug* "Best hug ever."
Me: "You're crazy."
Emmy: "You're also crazy." *turns and looks up at me* "You're a good man."

Doesn't it just melt your heart? It certainly melts mine.

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Me: “Em, no blankets on the potty. Take it off.”
Emmy: “But I’m cooooold.”
Me: “But you’ll get pee on it. Take it off.”
Emmy: “Ooooooooh. Maybe poop even?”

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When Emmy isn’t crying or sleeping in her carseat on a trip, she’s rambling about anything and everything. At some point last night she was imagining some sort of scenario with a cat and a trashcan that worries me a bit. “The sun is in my eyes.” is also something I frequently hear from the back seat, but last night we got this gem:

“The dark is in my eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyes!”

Guess she wanted to complain about something but realized the sun wasn’t out, so she revised a little.

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From the bathroom, I heard her messing around with something in the kitchen and called for her. She opened the door just enough to stick her face in the crack and I asked her what she’d been doing.

Emmy: ”You’re on the potty?”
Me: ”Yes. What were you doing in the kitchen?”
Emmy: “This is my face… right here.”

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Apparently my daughter has the humor of a 12 year old boy. Here is our conversation from last night in bed:

Emmy: I want to nurse.
Me: Well, you have to wait for Mommy, she’s got the boobs.
Emmy: Mommy has boobs?
Me: Yes.
Emmy: And nipples?
Me: Yes. Well, everyone has nipples.
Emmy: Everyone? Grandma has nipples?
Me: Ugh, yes, grandma has nipples.
Emmy: I have nipples?
Me: Yep.
Emmy: You have nipples?
Me: Yep.
Emmy: *pause* *hysterical laughter* Nipples *More hysterical laughter*

At which point I obviously started laughing, and for probably 2 straight minutes she periodically said “Nipples” and we’d laugh.

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I was telling her to go to sleep last night, and she said she wanted to be held. So I picked her up and rocked her back and forth a little, and told her to close her eyes and go to sleep. After about a minute, she whispered softly:

“I’m still a little awake.”

Me: “Alright, then stop talking and go to sleep.”

A minute or so later…

“I’m still a little bit awake. I’m closing my eyes.”

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Last night we climbed into bed with two books to read: Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?

Emmy: I want you to read this one. *holds up the Polar Bear one* No, I want to read it to you.

Me: Oh, you’re going to read me the Polar Bear book? Alright.

Emmy: *Opens to the title page* There are words in this book!

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Context: On the Jordan Jesse Go podcast they are having a competition they’ve named “The King of the Children Contest”, where listeners describe things they talk about on the show to their kids and have them draw pictures of it to send in. Anyway:

Me: Oh shoot, I forgot to have Emmy enter The King of the Children Contest.

Zoe: What?

*I describe the contest*

Me: Emmy, you wanna be The King of the Children, right?

Emmy: No, I’m going to be corn!

(That’s what she was for Halloween.)

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